Founded 1901

West Wickham Football Club

TEAMS
1st Team
Reserves
3rd Team
4th Team
5th Team
6th Team

MATCH REPORTS
1st
Reserves
3rd
4th
5th
6th

THE CLUB
Who's Who
Club History
Contact Us
Sponsorship
Ask Jessie
Golden Boot
Juniors
Links

Jessie Gunthum is a trained psychologist who has worked extensively across Europe in human counseling. Currently on "gardening leave" from UNICEF she has agreed to advise on any problems that players or their families may have. 

Dear Jessie
I would like to thank Mr Stretton for bringing round the flowers to my house last night while George was at the cinema. He was a bit confused and so was I -- he thought my dog was dead and I thought that the flowers were for me as the dog is fine (just a big lump on his head). Anyway we watched some cookery programme together -- the one that Ryan Sidebottom won -- it was quite exciting. I may bring my dog up to West Wickham again soon as the men are really nice.

Yours
Molly Barker

Dear Jessie
I was walking my dog at Corkscrew Hill on Saturday when he was unexpectedly struck down by a stray football. He is 18 years old and was knocked semi conscious as he did not expect to be clouted on the dome by a leather missile. He went into some kind of frenzy and I was not happy at the behaviour of several of your older spectators who seemed to think that the incident was funny. One old boy called Mo (I think) shouted out "well headed" whilst another said "look we got a dancing dog on the next pitch". Luckily for me my dog did recover fairly quickly and he will live to fight another day but your spectators need to mind their manners.

Yours
Mrs Barker

Dear Mrs Barker
We are a caring football club but we have had enough of you people who walk your dogs on our pitches and the mess many of them leave behind. Being struck on the bonce by a ball is no big deal -- Corkscrew Hill is a football club not a large lavatory. Make sure that your dog is made aware of the possibility of flying footballs if you bring him to the club again -- teach him to jump clear or head the ball with his forehead. Of course, we hope that there will be no long term ill effects and I will speak to those spectators that were amused by your dogs antics.

Jessie

Dear Jessie
I am sorry to go back to an old subject but I have three young children-- all under 3 and I want to bring them up properly. For Christmas their grandfather bought them a book of Old English Nursery Rhymes and I settled own to read them to the kids last night. Honestly I couldn't see the point of most of them -- they were obviously written by loonies. For example:
Doctor Proctor went to Gloucester in a shower of rain
He stood in a puddle right up to his muddle
And never went there again.
The kids looked at me blankly -- "Who is Doctor Proctor?" said Alfie. I told him that he was just some Doctor who was going to Gloucester. "Was he blind?" said Alfie. I said that I didn't think so. "So why did he step in such a big puddle?" asked Alfie. Every time I read another rhyme I had to answer about 20 questions to explain them.

Ding Dong Dell pussy's in the Well
Who put him in?
Little Tommy Flynn
Who pulled him out?
Little Tommy Stout.

I knew that I was in big trouble with this one. They wanted to know why Tommy Flynn had chucked the moggy in the drink and how Tommy Stout got to the bottom of the well without drowning. Could the cat swim? How did Stout get out? Did the moggy survive the ordeal? So many questions and so few answers.

I couldn't care less about Doctor Proctor but what about that wet pussy?

Yours Karen M

Dear Karen
I refuse to get dragged into this debate but I believe that the cat did not drown as the well was empty and he did not survive the incident. My advice is - don't read these silly stories to your kids get proper books like War and Peace or How the World Was Invented -- they will probably understand these -- my children did.

Jessie

Dear Jessie
Now the silly bugger has bought a Harley Davidson and a load of leather gear -- it wouldn't be so bad if he wore the leathers when he was out on his bike but no -- he goes into Beckenham dressed like Evil Kenevil. Next thing he will be buying a wig. Perhaps you could write to him about his behaviour.

Mrs Stewart.

Dear Mrs Stewart
It's frightening when these things happen but, rest assured, these funny phases do pass with time. My late husband used to dress up as Tina Turner at the weekend until he had a fit singing Nutbush City Limits in Patricks and snuffed it. He wanted to be buried as his alter ego but we couldn't shut the coffin lid as his breasts were too pointed. I don't like to write to people personally -- I can only advise you on the best course of action -- perhaps some bromide in his tea will have the desired affect.

Jessie

Dear Jessie
I have wanted to write to you for some time asking your advice about my two sons but I didn't really want to embarrass them. However, Friday nights shenanigans were the last straw and I need your help. It's bad enough having to put up with the behaviour of my eldest, Rod, who lives in a fantasy world surrounding himself with long legged, scantily clad bimbos. I have forgiven him for wearing those stupid tartan scarves which he is so fond of because he's a bit nutty. He thinks he is a Scot but he was born in Deptford. But it's not him that worries me -- it's the other one -- Tony. He now thinks that he is Peter Pan or Freddie Flintoff -- depending on which day of the week it is.

On Saturday morning (in the early hours) he came home with all his shirt torn wearing a stupid grin and singing Maggie May -- I thought that it was Rod but Rod is only half Tony's weight and Tony is a better singer. It just shows you how confused I am -- please advise me -- I can't control either of them. He said he had been to a Pop Concert but I know that he hates pop and only drinks Magners. I am worried that he may have been out in  Beckenham with some footballing mates trying to chat up young girls and he now calls himself " Boom Boom. Help me please.

Mrs Stewart

Dear Mrs Stewart
You are right I know this bloke --he's cunning -- he has changed his surname to Tony  "Stuart" to confuse us. He cried off football on Saturday saying he had pulled a muscle at some concert -- actually he went to a Seafood Disco and pulled a mussel. I think "Bad Man" Kemp was with him so its not surprising that "mayhem reigned." Your best bet is to throw him out and let him live on his own for a bit -- then he would appreciate his old Mum.

Regards

Jessie.

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, and last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Dear Jessie
Why do all my Michael's mates call him Weasel? If I wanted people to call him Weasel I would have christened him "Weasel." Would other people like there sons to be called daft names -- like Stoat or Water Buffalo? I don't think so.

Yours
Mrs Arrdvark McCarthy

Dear Mrs Mac
Lots of children are given strange names when they are young but normally they disappear in later life although I still call my brother Fishface. This name is justified as he looks just like a trout -- very similar to Gail Platt in Coronation Street. I know your Michael and he isn't "all there" at times. At a dinner last night three times he tried to pour me a glass of wine and each time my glass remained empty. It took him several minutes to realise that you have to take the screw top off the bottle before pouring it out. Doing it once is understandable but three times!!!!!

I don't know why they call your son Weasel but at least it's better than Stoat. By the way what made your parents call you Arrdvark?

Get a life Mrs M

Jessie

Dear Jessie
My husband comes home smelling on a Saturday night -- he's disgusting. The children run away and hide under the stairs as they are frightened. He says that the showers are useless and he can't get the mud off  his knees so he goes in the bar looking like a bin man. What should I do?
Yours
Mrs B

Dear Mrs B
I can understand you wanting to remain anonymous -- your husband is a slob. All the other boys get a cold shower and come into the bar clean but with goose pimples all over their bodies. Only "Rockin Boy" Roberts complains -- the others just get bevied to forget their ordeal. Give your bloke a pair of opaque 40 denier tights to wear when its muddy -- this way he can take them off after the game and -- voila -- he will be clean. He can then go and sit with GB and the RAT who have also been seen in tights.

Love Jessie

Dear Jessie
You are right about the things they tell kids -- they are silly and I agree with Vera. What about--
"Who killed Cock Robin?
I, said the sparrow, with my bow and arrow
I killed Cock Robin."

I want to know who is asking the question -- they must know Cock Robin (whoever he is) -- and who the hell ever heard of a talking sparrow. Has anybody been in the park and seen a sparrow with a bow and arrow? Was the bird actually Cock Robin Hood? Was he shot in Sherwood Forest? All these questions need answers otherwise our children will be confused for the rest of their lives.

Yours
Loomo

Dear Baldy
This is another mystery and I don't know everything --- I cannot give a sensible answer to a stupid question. But I do know somebody who saw him die. Throw all your nursery rhyme books in the bin -- problem solved.

Jessie 

Jessie I am Really Worried
Last night was a sleepless one for me as I wrestled with a problem that has been with me for years (no, not that one). My Grandson asked me to read some Nursery Rhymes to him and this triggered off something that has long perplexed me. The content of Nursery rhymes -- most of them are bizarre, some of them are plain stupid and some are violent. Take for instance my grandson's favourite.
"Sing a song of sixpence, a pocketful of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie
When the pie was open the birds began to sing---"

Let's stop there --- why would you want a Blackbird Pie? How would you catch 24 blackbirds without killing them? If they were dead how could they sing when the pie was opened? If they were caught alive, how could they sing when they had been baked?

It goes on
"Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the King?

I cannot see anything "dainty" about a pie containing 24 blackbirds that were able to sing after being cooked. None of this makes any sense to me and my grandson keeps asking my wife for a Blackbird Pie at his birthday party. Does anybody have the recipe? What temperature should she cook the blackbirds at? How does she make sure that they will sing after cooking?

Jessie I cannot cope with this situation please advise me what I should do.

Yours
Vera Clapshoe

Dear Vera
First of all, have you seen a psychiatrist? You need a lot of help -- you cannot take these rhymes literally so don't try to analyse them too deeply or you will go mad -- if you are not already mad. Personally I have never understood such rhymes -- for example
"Little Boy come blow on your horn" -- I assumed that he was a contortionist and didn't bother with the rest of the rhyme.

Regards
Jessie

PS  Ready plucked blackbirds are now available at Blackbirds R Us. co .uk. They are boxed in 50's so make me a pie too.

Dear Jessie
On Saturday my daughter was the First Team mascot at the Kent/Surrey Cup Final and she was really looking forward to a big day out. She is only just six and everything went very well until about 6pm. Skipper Freeman, had thoughtfully organised a lovely chocolate birthday cake which the good looking Manager presented to her on behalf of the team. She was thrilled when they all sang "Happy Birthday" to her BUT then the "b **stards" went and ate it all.

How can you deal with this kind of behaviour  -- the poor girl went home "like a Wedding cake"  (in tears).

Sort this out now Jessie or else.

Yours Kamilla

Dear Kamilla
I certainly will sort this out myself because "else" no longer works for me -- she is now a spy working for the Taliban in New Cross.

I would bet my bottom dollar that it was Cuzza and Barham who ate all the cake -- both eat too much and I know from the Match Report that Cuzza was in a very rascally mood on Saturday. However, when I phoned him he "grassed up" James Williams and Sam Kemp as they never get fed at University. Cuzza said he saw chocolate crumbs round Liam's lips so it could have been him as well.

To be fair Kam this is a tough one to deal with as everybody likes chocolate cake and nobody wants to "carry the can." Jay Askew has admitted to eating a chocolate button off the top of the cake but that's as far as I've got.

I have asked the Police if they can attend training on Tuesday night to grill the players but they said that none of them are cannibals so they will have their dinner before they come.

Leave it with me.
Regards
Jessie

Dear Jessie
Last week I revealed to my team mates that I write poetry which was greeted with derision. I now feel afraid to reveal my other interests; ballet, opera and bird watching.

Should I come clean or remain in the closet? Yours truly
Dick John

Dear Richard
You have my sympathy -- the Neanderthal approach to the arts is normal for the footballing fraternity. Most of them cannot read (except for comics) so how would they understand your penchant for penning fine verse in your leisure time?

However, the above comments are a generalisation and West Wickham players are a little more cerebral than the average pro footballer to which I referred above. For example, Martins and Blakeney are theatre buffs -- the Owletts are all connoisseurs of fine wines and Ernie studies country dancing -- so you are not alone in supporting artistic pursuits.

Your liking of Ballet and Opera show that you are a man of style and sensitivity and your love of "ornithology" is shared by most of the Wickham boys. Unfortunately their sphere of activity is confined to night clubs and public houses and they mainly spot old crows, black birds and a variety of tits.

Thanks for your permission to print your latest poem :

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie - kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play he kissed them too -- cos he was gay.

Keep up the good work.

Regards
Jessie

Dear Jessie
Get on to the Committee for me -- they have done nothing sensible about the "puddle" by the first team goal. Now it's a mud bath and we all feel that it was much better when it was a puddle.

Kam Linter

Dear Kam
I will, of course, ask The Committee how they plan to solve the "muddle about the puddle." It's been going on for far too long.

Regards
Jessie

Dear Jessie

I wonder if you could help me, I have a terrible dilemma

This Tuesday sees the Reserves play their biggest game of the season so far, but it also coincides with my wedding anniversary. I have taken the pre match warm up every game so far this season and don’t wish to miss this big game.

My wife has threatened to run off with Chris Tookey unless I wine and dine her on Tuesday night.

What do I do?

Nookie Bear  

Dear Mr Bear
Thank you for your letter and you are certainly not the first player to write to me with this kind of problem. I was most interested in your first name -- I have never heard of the name Nookie before so I am assuming that you are from a far away land or are you just poking fun at me.

I have to be very careful with my answer as I have no wish to drive a wedge between you and Mrs Bear but I can't help asking " Why did you get married during the football season in the first place?  You have left yourself open to all kinds of problems."

I also heard that you missed training last week as it was the anniversary of the day you bought your first washing machine from Currys. Let's face it, your credibility will be at an all time low if you don't show up at Dartford so you will need to conjure up a watertight excuse or just hand over some sovereigns to Mrs B. Why not try "all the trains are cancelled, darling" or " there are no restaurants open tonight because of Bird Flu" -- I personally think that the second one is your best bet.

Don't worry about the impending threat from Chris Tookey. Since his new haircut he has been seen with lots of other women and I would strongly advise Mrs Bear to steer clear of him -- he appears to be on a downward spiral.

In the final analysis Nookie, I think that you have to do "the right thing" so see you at Dartford at 6.45pm.

Love Jessie

Dear Jessie

Took your advice and went on the WAGS trip to Bromley yesterday -- can you ring my mother and ask her to bail me out -- I'm in Bromley Police Station. Full name supplied as I need help.

yours
Miss Alice Band

Dear Alice
It appears that you have been a bit slack, Alice. Pole dancing round a lamp post when less than fully attired brings the HAGS into disrepute and I won't be surprised if I get some irate letters from the other girls. PC Paul Holmes will bail you at 3pm this afternoon as he has to go the station to bail his wife Vickie at the same time.
Regards

Jessie

Dear Jessie
The Bellywedger row has escalated out of all proportion and I think that your explanation is a load of rubbish -- just because you're a mate of Dave doesn't mean that you can insult my intelligence with such a load of nonsense. It seems that only you two have ever heard of a Bellywedger -- my mother went pale when I mentioned a Bellywedger to her and my Auntie Flo fainted. However, she did say that you may have confused it with a "Buttered Doorstep".

Miss A.

Dear Miss A.
I am not surprised that you wish to remain anonymous as you obviously have little knowledge of housewifery. I suggest that you join the WW HAGS trip to Primark as this seems your natural habitat. I would strongly advise you not to cross culinary swords with "Smiling" Dave as you will only come to a sticky end. A "Buttered Doorstep" is quite similar to a Bellywedger but is thicker (like those girls on Wags Boutique) and has no filling. It also has no butter -- mums used "dripping" as a substitute but still said "I'm just going to butter a couple of Doorsteps." This must have confused the kids no end as people mainly scrubbed their doorsteps.

Please send me your Auntie Flo's telephone number as she sounds interesting and may have a few stories to tell.

Yours
jessie

PS. Why are you now calling Dave "Smiling" instead of " Cookie"?

Dear Jessie
I have just had an enormous row with my boyfriend "Cookie" Adams. He says that a Bellywedger is a fat sandwich but I told him its something else. Who is right?

Dear Mrs Gunthum

I am at my wits end --- I found a diamond earring amongst the shirts when I washed the kit last week and I think that my husband may be "playing away."

Mrs J (fifth team housewife and affectionate mother)

Dear Mrs J

Please don't worry too much -- but you are right he is playing away -- he's at Crouch End Vampires in a couple of weeks unless he makes another feeble excuse. My investigations show that the earring belongs to Ashley Everett although we don't know how it got into the Fifth Teams kit bag. Please bring the earring with you on 23rd December to the Club Day -- also bring all your friends and family.

Dear Jessie

Can you tell me how to persuade some of the older club members from dancing in such a ridiculous fashion. The Junior Club Dinner was turned into a fiasco by these ageing John Travoltas -- some of them looked as if they were having some kind of seizure and we nearly called a doctor.

KN

Dear Kelly

I know your problem very well as my own father frequently behaved in this manner. Maybe you should put on a series of extremely fast records which would either tire them out sharpish or cause them to collapse. Have you included your own husband in this category?

Love Jessie 

WW HAGS (West Wickham Housewives and Girlfriends Society).

DANCING SASHA is "belle of the ball" -- Waitey's party was a perfect opportunity for Sasha to swivel her hips and dominate the dance floor. Most of the other WWHAGS were content to stand around drinking, in an attempt to emulate their better halves. Certainly, child birth seems to have slowed "Les Girls" down to a walk -- hence not much happening in this section of the site. A couple of the girls have been seen in Iceland and one in a charity shop in Hayes but not much else is happening.

ANGIE WAITE waits for the Big Day -- interviewed today by Ava Nuther of the Mother and Baby magazine Angie said " It will be a "waite" lifted from my mind." Don't you mean a Waite lifted from your belly?" said Ava.

PS. Angie eventually had her baby and now wants twins.

Disregard what's written below -- just when we thought that the WWHAGS had disappeared -- they came back with a bang last night at The Great Raymondo's Race Night. Michelle Sievey, Heather Kienlen, Claire Blakeney, Jo Gibson, Emma "Owlett" and  Becky "soon to be Owlett" were all their adding much needed glamour to the clubhouse. Claire and Michelle charmed us out of our money on horses that had no chance but who cares. A small row broke out at 10pm when it was suggested that Michelle had been coaching Snail 3 on Thursday and Friday night instead of doing the ironing. It sure was a fast snail -- it overtook me going down Corkscrew Hill and I was in the car.

The HAGS have disappeared completely from the social scene and are now only seen at children's parties or standing outside school gates gossiping with other strangely dressed ladies. Why don't they collect their kids from school in their high heels or thigh boots? Nobody ever saw a cleavage at Hawes Down,Wickham Common or Pickhurst Primary -- they all dress in old jumpers with sick stains down the front and jeans that don't fit. What happened to those classy broads of  three years ago? Come on girls buck your ideas up -- get an au pair and get back out on the town -- otherwise I'm going to abandon this section.

Big News -- Sasha Newton has a great day out (Friday 13th April) -- she is spotted in the Co-op and was also seen leaving Focus with some gardening equipment. How exciting. 

In the final analysis the day out went well but "Les Girls" never got as far as BHS as they were spent up and slightly tipsy by 3pm so they had to go back to L'Abbaye for more refreshments.

Polly Abrey let the side down a bit when she turned up in one of Stu's old string vests under her slinky gown made from gossamer silk. the two just didn't seem to gell. Later on in L'Abbaye, Polly divested herself of the gown and Stu's string vest looked a lot better.

Angie Waite had a nightmare -- she rushed out of the house at 8.30am into her awaiting taxi and grabbed the wrong bag. Instead of picking up her Dolce & Gabbana she picked up the rucksack with all the kids gear in it. Quelle horreur -- no make up, no shades, no lip gloss, no credit cards just nappies, two plastic drinking beakers, a bottle of Calpol and some baby clothes. On arriving at the Kienlens she had no option but to take the rucksack with her -- the others were quietly quaffing champagne whilst waiting for the coach. Angie pretended that the rucksack was the latest fashion statement and was forced to wear in on her back all through the journey back to Bromley. You can imagine how uncomfortable it was trying to sit on a coach seat with a big rucksack full of things you didn't want. It meant that she was sitting at a dodgy angle all journey and was lucky not to end up on the floor. I can't believe that none of the other HAGS sussed her -- particularly as the rucksack had some sick stains on it. Luckily she was able to leave it on the coach when she reached Primark. Luckily I was at home when she rang me and I was able to slip her a couple of grand so that she could enjoy herself.

They've been a bit quiet after their Christmas Bonanza which carried a Press Ban to protect all those involved but they are at it again this week. On Thursday "the girls" are out on a mammoth Spendathon in Bromley visiting Primark, BHS and Ann Summers all in one day. The excitement is at fever pitch as they prepare for another esacpade and I was lucky enough to get an interview with  the Event Co-ordinator Heather Kienlen.

Visiting Chez Kienlen is always a bit scary as it's a vast, almost baronial mansion and Heather insisted on doing the interview whilst astride her gelding Noballs. Flanked by two semi trained rottweillers, she looked statuesque and the whole scene was quite intimidating.

"What's the drill?" I said hesitantly -- "It's a thing that dentists use" she said. "No, I mean what are the arrangements?"

It transpires that the coach will leave her Southfleet Mansion at 9am and will be driven under police escort to the car park in the Glades where the girls will flounce out and hit the streets running at around 11.31am.

Heather explained that most of the girls will arrive by taxi from West Wickham, Hayes, Beckenham and Bromley. The 30 mile drive to pick up the coach to go to Bromley will give the girls a chance to put on their make up explained Heather -- meeting here is always a good idea as it's so central for Bromley she said.

She said that the semi nakedness which dominated the Christmas Bonanza had been toned down and all the girls would be required to wear vests to camouflage any excessive cleavage. Fashionistas cannot wait for Thursday and all the top columnists will be hanging round the Glades waiting for the girls to arrive. "We expect to see quite a lot of Alice Bands and frocks with flowers on," said Davina Morelli of Vogue, "we cannot wait to see what stunning outfits will be on show -- maybe a pencil skirt or a knitted cardy."

Needless to stay, none of the players whose wives are involved in this outing, were available for comment --- but they will, no doubt, be equally speechless come Friday morning when they open their daily newspapers.